Once Upon a Mattress…


Sorry, this blog post is about to explode into a temper tantrum……..Um……Ah….Grrrrr……Ooooo……..AGUAAAGOOGOOGAGA!!!


My husband decided to do some spring cleaning which, unfortunately, usually requires my involvement, as in, “Hon, would you help me lug this queen-sized mattress and box spring up 3 flights of stairs, across the swamped out backyard full of alligators, through the four foot high flea-infested front lawn and sling it onto the curb without slamming into the neighbor’s precious BMW or knocking over the Harley that belongs to the friendly but rather raucous crack house across the street?”

So after a few broken fingers, head-rattling concussions, foot-long gashes and loudly murmured “BOB SAGETS!”, the mattress patiently waits for the trash truck to carry it to its final destination.


A few days later, it’s still waiting….


And a few weeks later.  IT’S. STILL. “@ONADGA%#(#*%BOB SAGET!!!!!” WAITING THERE!!!!!!

Yes, we made arrangements with the trash collectors beforehand.  Yes, my husband contacted the dispatcher every day – her name’s, Savannah, and they’re expecting their first baby in October.  Yes, I posted on Angie’s List and gave them an “F” Rating.  Then. Just as I was about to file with the BBB.  The mattress vanished.

Not really sure if it was our official trash collectors, though, because some savvy neighbor got their hands on the box spring a few days earlier.

The thing is, this isn’t just a tale about a mattress.

I wouldn’t have been so upset if I hadn’t just spent the past week dealing with other situations where people either didn’t do their job, messed up the job, or weren’t even available to mess up the job.

Do you see the unwelcome trend here?

Here is my theory, which has prevented me from reaching through the receiver and sadistically plucking every nose hair from the Bungler Du Jour on the other end:

1) Company carries a glut of managerial dead weight and a small set of “little workers” who actually possess skills

2) Company needs to make more money to pay their CEOs

3) Company shuffles around deadweight and dumps more work on little workers without compensation, along with the phrase “Hey, at least you still have a job!”

4) Little Worker tells frustrated consumer on the phone, “Hey, at least I’m still on the line feeding you bull$@(%!”

End of theory and rant.

Speaking of work……….I better get back to my job, before someone tries to pluck out my nose hairs.



Will Work for Food

I am not a good motivator.

I can’t even motivate myself…have you seen the dates on my last blogs? Of course you haven’t, because I haven’t been motivated enough to network for more readers.

Money motivates me to some extent, therefore I work, but in a very blasé, unmotivated fashion. As in, I work from my bed. I wake up, get the kids to school, then lie on my bed and work on the computer. Sometimes I get dressed.

Hunger motivates me to arise from the bed and shuffle a few steps to the refrigerator, which is only a few feet away in the kitchen right. outside. my bedroom. I AM motivated to do this several times a day, but I’m not sure that bad habits/food addiction/boredom really count as proper motivational tools in the How to Be a Motivator Rule Book.

Soooo….with my point demonstrated and grossly overstated, let me move on to my dilemma over motivating my unemployed husband to arise from the couch.

He lost his job 9 months ago after working for my family’s business that went OUT of business. Same ol’ same ol’ Main Street story in America these days – highly qualified, over-skilled fifty-something competing with entry level college grads for some 70 hr/week understaffed job that pays a little higher than minimum wage. My husband sends out about 10 resumes a day into cyberspace, has received about 5 excited calls about his resume with no follow up calls and NO INTERVIEWS. So, yeah, he kind of doesn’t feel like getting up off the couch.
I’d let him stay in bed, but this is my domain.
Oh, and also, his mom died.
And his dad will probably soon follow, considering he’s on a few borrowed months’ time with stage 4 cancer.

Comcast put out a wonderfully helpful article entitled, “Is Your Job Search Getting You Down?” that suggests the prospective job hunter surround himself with positive motivational people.

I don’t know any Suzy Sunshinesspongebob. Do you?

Excuse me while I put on my slippers and shuffle into the kitchen for a bag of Cheetos.

I might as well be blogging

So, I got a new job.

A few weeks ago, I wasn’t so insouciant- it was more like “I GOT A JOB!  AND IT’S FULL-TIME FROM MY HOME OFFICE!!!”  The work is enjoyable.  I mean, I tell people that I work on excel worksheets all day, and they give me a look that implies, should I offer you a loaded gun to move things along a little more quickly which compels me to explain that, “no, really, I really like doing this stuff because I have some weird anal side to me that loves tedious data entry work.”  And I do truly enjoy it, because, to me, it’s like playing an endless game of Cake Mania and getting paid for it….

but see, that’s the thing….getting paid for it.  Because, even though I’ve been working for these people for about a month, and they seem like very nice, normal people, I’ve only received one paycheck for about half a week’s pay.

So now I’m forced into this unfortunate position of essentially having to beg for money like Oliver holding out his bowl for more porridge.  I’m grateful for this job and all, but, in America at least, I was under the assumption that receiving a paycheck was an employee’s right.  And I’m not just bagging on this particular employer…because, for some reason, I’ve been placed in this awkward position with several other jobs as well.

Which leaves me no choice but to ask – is it ME???!! 

Seriously, I would love to hear from others on this one on whether this is a common occurrence or not.

If not, then maybe I should reconsider searching for employment on Craig’s List.  Just sayin’


There may be many awful things happening in the world,

Horrible crimes committed by misguided creatures.

And, of course, there’s always the question of

Why “bad things happen to good people.”

But as the riddler runs by

Tossing out excuses

Does he ever stop to gather the answer?

Shit happens

But God’s there with His strength and compassion

Ready to dig us out.

War happens

But soldiers are there with their courage and conviction

Ready to bail us out.

Thank You, Lord, for our veterans!

Happy Veterans Day, America

and Happy 236th Birthday, Marines!

p.s. Thanks for your service, Honey.  Now go out and enjoy that free slurpee or lunch – you deserve it!  Ooh-Rah!

When Outsourcing is Good

Well, since Camping screwed up on the date again and we’re all still here (although the day’s not over), I guess we’ll have to keep on trucking with this whole survival thing. 

“Survival” in the U.S. these days seems a bit more of a struggle than, say, back in the 1980’s when I used to roll out of Gekko’s penthouse, throw some frilly underwear over my clothes, air out my armpits under the bus stop hand dryer and “get into the groove” with all the other Working Girls in Manhattan (no, wait, did I work in Manhattan in the eighties….can’t remember….30 years ago….too fuzzy….)  Anyway, 2011’s version of hanging out on Wall Street is certainly a horse of a different color.  Can’t say that I plan on “Occupy”ing any Tea Parties any time soon, but I do totally catch their drift of frustration.  Our family is broke and in debt.  My husband and I are working, but eating peanut butter for breakfast, because, C’mon!  $5 for a jug of milk?  $7 for a slab of bacon?  Have you tried turkey bacon?!??  But, rather than camp out in protest (sorry, ever since working the Faires, I’ve had an aversion to bunking with unwashed Rennies full of dragon piss), we’ve chosen to constructively focus our frustration into a win-win patriotic form of outsourcing.

Oh yeah, I said it, the dirty word that causes the pockets of American IT workers to shiver in terror.  But, repeat after me, “Outsourcing is Good.  Outsourcing Works.” — when another country is outsourcing to us.  In our particular case, our nouveau riche South Korean buddies are shipping over their kids and paying us to watch them.

Yes, South Koreans actually seem to like us and trust us enough to belabor their precious accomplished, multi-lingual, well-behaved offspring with our unhealthy, greedy capitalistic, ugly American customs.

Awww, gosh.  We kinda like them too.

As I’ve mentioned, this is a win-win situation.  The area of South Korea is only 38,622 square miles with a population of 48 million people.  In order to give their kids a leg-up in this heavily competitive market, S.Korean parents send them to private schools in other countries where they can pick up different languages and customs and benefit from a more well-rounded education.  On our end, struggling private schools are now using “foreign aid” by signing up with agencies that import eager students from Korea, China and other countries; and  American middle-classed families provide these students with room and board so they can hold on to their homes.

I’d discovered this opportunity in Craig’s List of all places.  In the past few years we’ve hosted three kids through different agencies, one girl and two boys, all teenagers.  And, yes, you have to question the sanity of someone who would voluntarily invite more teenagers into their home. 

Some of them do eat a lot.

But they’ve been great, actually.  It’s been a terrific experience so far, and I plan on happily sharing stories about them in some of my future blogs.